


If I let you in

by ahominecchii



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Crushes, Feelings, M/M, Shyness, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 11:25:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3132680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahominecchii/pseuds/ahominecchii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>|Kalluto tried to deny all feelings of course, telling himself that it was all admiration and not actually feelings, but some days he found himself staring at Feitan for a little too long, watching him talk to members of the gang or watching him help others clean their tools of torture, he couldn’t help but stare at what Feitan allowed others to see, due to his long coat about 90% of the man was hidden, and thus Kalluto had to use his imagination a lot of the time. |</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I let you in

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno if it was just me but Kalluto was looking at Feitan a little too brightly during his fight with Zazan lol that's probably where the idea for this fic came from.

The first time Kalluto joined the Phantom Troupe he found himself with a strange unwanted attraction to one of the members, if he knew this was going to happen he would of directed his feelings towards the female members of the group such as Machi or even Shizuku but like everything else in life it didn’t go that simply, his attraction to Feitan was so out of the blue it caught him off guard when he finally realised it.

Kalluto tried to deny all feelings of course, telling himself that it was all admiration and not actual feelings, but some days he found himself staring at Feitan for a little too long, watching him talk to members of the gang or watching him help others clean their tools of torture, he couldn’t help but stare at what Feitan allowed others to see, due to his long coat about 90% of the man was hidden, and thus Kalluto had to use his imagination a lot of the time.

When Feitan finally revealed himself whilst fighting a Chimera ant Kalluto couldn’t even ask if he needed assistance, the fact that Feitan’s naked torso was on display with the sweat of hours of fighting glistening on his skin, and it was at touching distance was enough to put Kalluto in a temporary shock, his body was everything he’d imagined and dreamt it would be, the hours- days of day dreaming coming to an end right in front of his eyes was a memory that burned into the back of his mind.

Of course his staring didn’t get passed the other troupe members; they often saw Kalluto zoning out and it rose questions, such as-

_“Hey Feitan, you know that chicks staring at you right?”_

Or

_“I think Hisoka’s replacement has a bro-crush on Feitan”_

Kalluto didn’t mind, if anything he appreciated the mind-numbing gossip, if Feitan already knew how he felt he wouldn’t have to embarrass himself voicing it. It was only a matter of time before the man approached him with this topic as a conversation starter.

o0o

The first time Feitan ever spoke to Kalluto was when the Zoldyck was on the roof of the base practicing his paper manipulation as a pass time; Feitan had stopped a few metres behind and shouted, successfully disrupting his dance, when Kalluto turned to see who was trying to get his attention his heart skipped a beat and his eyes widen, he’d never been alone with Feitan before and in all honesty never expected it happen, he hadn’t prepared himself. When he called back Feitan asked if he wanted some of the dinner the others brought back and Kalluto nodded, trying to suppress the smile the threatened to paint his lips, did Feitan care about him? He came all the way up to the roof to ask him he was hungry, not even his own family members did that, it made his heart swell.

As Kalluto snapped his fan shut and walked forward Feitan remained in his original place; unblinking and unfazed by Kalluto’s presence, with every tap his getas made Kalluto felt his heart beat a little louder, it was giving him a stress headache, he hadn’t been this close to Feitan before, it was nerve-wreaking. When he’d reached the door that led back to the ground floor a gentle call of his name stopped Kalluto in his tracks, he didn’t turn, wouldn’t dare show Feitan the sweat that was starting to bead on his forehead but a quiet hum made it clear he was listening.

_“Are you a boy or a girl?”_

Kalluto wasn’t surprised, he hadn’t expecting Feitan to confess to him or anything, although with the setting sun in the background and the light breeze that fluttered between them it would have been the perfect scene but the question didn’t faze him. Without turning around Kalluto answered _“I am a boy”_ and proceeded his journey to what he could only describe as feasting on scraps with the others.

o0o

Kalluto may be only 10 but he was old enough to know that he couldn’t talk to anyone in his family about his problems, he considered talking to his mother seeing as he spent the majority of his time by her side before joining the Phantom Troupe but quickly came to realise how ridiculous that idea was, if he told her she’d only freak out the same way she did when his older brother Killua gained a friend and mostly go down to the gang base herself to tell them all she’s pulling him out of the group like a mother taking her kid out of school, he thought about asking Illumi because he was the oldest and had more experience with mingling with people but like their mother he’d probably get weirded out and try and manipulate him like he did with Killua and then probably tell their mother, Alluka was completely out of the question, Milluki didnt know what people were and Killua was off gallivanting around the world so it was either talk to their father or his grandfather and frankly Kalluto wasn’t all that close with his grandfather.

Three knocks on his father’s office door and he was told to enter, Kalluto never really spent much time in his father’s study as he had no real reason to but noticed every time he visited the interior design was always different, last time he came here it had an earth theme with a water fountain filled with multicoloured Koi but now it was a bright blue with an electric feel to it, his father’s dog, however, hadn’t changed.

Silva ushered for Kalluto to sit next to him and so he did; crossing his legs as he faced him and the snoring dog. It was harder now to come out with the problem then it had been thinking about it, Kalluto found his throat went dry as he tried to speak and his thoughts weren’t really in order.

“ _Kalluto_ ” Silva’s face was as stern as usual and Kalluto tried to match his look, taking a deep breath he looked to the ground once more and joined his hands together.

 _“I think I’m starting to feel something father”_ He heard Silva take a deep breath of his own but didn’t dare to look up, didn’t dare to see the disappointment on his father’s face.

_“Ever since I joined the Phantom Troupe I’ve been feeling something for someone that wasn’t hate or the need to kill, I know what it is but I’m sure I’m too young to feel such emotions, is this okay?”_

Silva didn’t answer for a few seconds and Kalluto was prepared for him to tell him he was disowned but to his surprise he felt a warm large hand land on his fragile shoulder and then looked up to see his father looking down at him with a unique softness in his eyes.

 _“Have you spoken to your mother about this?”_ Kalluto shook his head and Silva exhaled.

 _“Good, we don’t need her getting any more stressed then she already is”_ Silva let his hand drop from Kalluto’s shoulder and brought it to his face to rub his eyes, sighing loudly.

 _“Kalluto, you’re old enough now to know what is right and what is wrong and despite what your mother says feeling emotions for people outside your family is normal, it’s bound to happen when you’re introduced to a number of others, however, you should know when to keep your emotions separate from your job, if you feel these emotions are holding you back from doing your best you should discard them immediately, you’re still part of the Zoldyck family,_ _you need to keep focused”_

Kalluto could only stare at his father as he wrapped up his speech, he understood what he was saying, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

After thanking his father he bowed and left his study, leaning against the door for a second to think about his father’s words before his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar monotone voice.

_“Why are you home Kalluto?”_

Illumi asked as he strolled through the hallway holding numerous needles in his right hand.

 _“I came to speak to father”_ he answered as his eyed Illumi’s hands.

 _“Why are you holding so many needles?”_ Illumi looked down at his hand as if he hadn’t realised he was holding them and looked back up, his eyes as wide and as dark as Kalluto remembers them.

_“I’m on my way to do a mission”_

He felt there was more to Illumi’s story than he was telling him but decided not to question him about it, if Kalluto had a choice he’d rather keep all conversation with Illumi to a minimum, it wasn’t so much he didn’t like his older brother but more that he found the conversations they had were a little bit too forced for his liking and thus decided to only speak to him if it was a dire emergency or if Illumi had spoken to him first.

Kalluto hummed at Illumi’s answer and pushed himself off the door. _“I’m going now, tell mother I dropped by”_ and walked off down the hall with one hand reaching into his kimono to pull out his paper fan.

o0o

When Kalluto returned to the base it was quiet all around with the occasionally tapping of mice running behind the rumble that covered the floor, he was the only one in the building and it kind of scared him, he’d never been in this building by himself before and the deadly aura that surrounded the place was giving him the shivers, delicious shivers that both terrified and excited him.

Kalluto took a seat on one of the rocks and begin fanning his face with his paper fan, the cool breeze it produced felt like the breath of an angel in the humid heat, although it was near enough evening time the humidity in the air hadn’t seem to subside at all and it’s times like this Kalluto was glad he used a fan for his techniques and abilities.

A strong wave of _En_ caught Kalluto’s attention enough to make him gasp and turn his head towards the door, only to see the newest object of his affection walk through the stone archway alone, since the last time he was alone with Feitan his nerves didn’t act up as much when he saw the man’s half covered face, although his heart didn’t seem to get the idea and continued to give his feelings away. He tried his best not to make eye contact, covering his face with his fan and looking at the once beautiful patterns that marked the walls, he could feel Feitan’s gaze on him and the urge to observe him was getting stronger by the second.

 _“Why are you trying so hard not to look at me?”_ Kalluto heard Feitan’s voice echo through the building and ceased his fanning, was he that obvious?

 _“I’m not”_ he replied and carried on pretending to study the walls.

He heard Feitan huff and whisper weirdo to himself and Kalluto never realised how husky the man’s voice was until then, it sounded like he smoked 60 cigarettes a day and to him it sounded really...really... good...

 _“D-Do you smoke?”_ Kalluto found himself asking and blinked at how stupid his question was.

 _“No”_ was the reply and before he could stop himself Kalluto felt another question fighting to escape passed his lips.

 _“Then why is your voice so husky?”_ The sound of something hitting the rocks echoed and Feitan sighed.

_“It’s called puberty, don’t worry kid it’ll happen to you someday”_

Silence fell on them both once again apart from the sound of Feitan groaning and when Kalluto decided to chance a peak he had to cover his gasp with his fan, the older man was topless once again with one shoe off massaging his swollen foot, his face bared extreme discomfort and Kalluto wondered what happened to him whilst he was visiting his family.

 _“You’re hurt”_ he whispered and Feitan lifted his head up to look at the distressed 10 year old.

 _“No shit”_ he said with a smirk that only made Kalluto’s heart race.

 _“I ran into some trouble with Phinks whilst we were out,_ _he told me to retreat back to the base because I was “hurt””_ Feitan scoffed as he applied more pressure to his foot and groaned.

 _“I’m not really that hurt, I just didn’t want to spend any more time fighting_ _those idiots but Phinks likes a good rumble so I left him too it”_

Kalluto was pretty sure this was the longest Feitan had ever spoken to him and with every word he said Kalluto felt another part of his damned soul fall into Hades’s hands.

 _“I’m sorry to hear that”_ he whispered in the end and received a cackle.

_“Why? You’re not hurt; it’s not your problem”_

It wasn’t Kalluto’s problem but at the same time he had the urge to go to the man and check for any more injuries, but he was more than sure he’d get slapped away. Before Kalluto could stop himself he was on his feet and walking towards the injured man, his mind screamed for him to stop but it seemed that his feet wasn’t paying attention, he stopped in front of Feitan and placed his hand out and received a cocked eyebrow in return.

 _“What are you doing?”_ Kalluto took a seat next to the man and saw him scooch up on the rock.

_“I have first aid training; my butlers taught me when I was 6”_

Kalluto heard Feitan scoff.

 _“Your butlers? I forgot you_ _Zoldyck kids have had your entire life handed to you on a silver platter”_

Kalluto found himself without a comeback because it was essentially true, due to his parent’s wealth he’d had his entire life extremely easy, he’d never had to hunt for his dinner or do his own laundry or experience the hardships others have, he was blessed and was grateful for it.

Kalluto bent down to pick up Feitan’s foot and felt the man jerk against his touch, there was a sight swelling around the ankle and it bloomed red the longer he observed it, he reached into his kimono and pulled out a bandage and proceeded to wrap it around the bruising foot.

_“You should probably try and keep off this foot for a while, that includes fighting and meaningless wandering around deserted areas”_

When Kalluto finished tying a bow to keep the bandage in check he picked up his fan once more and placed his hands in his lap; looking at the ground in silence.

 _“Umm…”_ Feitan started. _“Thanks…”_

Kalluto nodded whilst trying hard to suppress the smile growing on his face, he could feel his cheeks getting hotter with every millisecond Feitan continued staring at him, this feeling of heat against his cheeks had never happened to him before and made him feel dizzy for a second.

 _“Hey”_ Kalluto hummed in reply.

 _“I know I was kinda rude to you at first and stuff,_   _but_ _umm I guess you’re not half bad”_

It was like an explosion went off in Kalluto’s mind, the object of his affection was being nice to him… no one had ever been nice to him before.

 _“I’m not apologising or anything,_ _I’m just saying that I think we’re okay now”_

Kalluto silently nodded again and turned his body around so he was facing the archway because he couldn’t risk Feitan seeing the blush on his face.

 _“I wouldn’t worry about the others_ as well _, they’re okay, to be honest I think they like_ _you more than Hisoka”_

Kalluto had squeezed his eyes shut as he allowed Feitan’s compliments to wash his eardrums, it was like music to his soul, to hear such a man talk to him this way, Kalluto didn’t think he deserved it.

 _“Anyway”_ Feitan said and the sound of rustling echoed throughout. _“I should probably check if Phinks is_ _still alive, you wanna tag along? It’s boring sitting here in the dark like this”_

Kalluto shook his head.

 _“Well I’m going now, thanks for the bandage I guess”_ and with that final sentence the older man shot out of the crumbling doorway, leaving Kalluto behind with his thoughts.

o0o

The sigh that vibrated throughout the building was a sigh Kalluto was unaware he’d held in, his face was still burning to the point that he knew no amount of fanning would cool him down, the sentence _“thanks for the bandage I guess”_ rang in his mind like a repetitive song, Feitan had thanked him and acknowledged him as a person, as a member of the group, Kalluto was sure he was over thinking this but he couldn’t help it, his mind was whirling a mile a minute at the (one sided) conversation they’d shared, it was more than Kalluto could of ever asked for.

The unsettling silence Kalluto sat in didn’t bother him, he was use to complete silence, in a way he’d grown to love it, it allowed him to review his memories and day dreams in peace, and with the moment he’d just had with Feitan complete silence is just what he wanted. Every day that he stayed in the Phantom Troupe Kalluto knew his childish feelings for Feitan would grow, blossom into something that one day he knew he wouldn’t be able to control and strangely enough he was fine with that, fine with his feelings being unspoken and locked away, if he revealed them he probably wouldn’t know what to do next so it was at that moment Kalluto decided to keep them hidden, locked away from harm so it didn’t develop into something troublesome.

Kalluto looked up the ceiling and flipped open his paper fan, the thought of Feitan still running through his mind, right now whatever he was feeling was pleasurable and calm, it was a feeling of admiration and he hoped that it would remain like that until it disappeared altogether.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
